Back again?

And I thought its the end of this site, yet I found myself back here again.

Somehow I am emotional at times, at nights like these when my brain just wouldn't shut off.

This little black hole of mine seems to have a certain ability allowing me to release all my emotional stress, unlike its brother site.

Simply thought it would be good to do away with all the depressing posts on the other site, where it begin with a happy note and that's how its gonna stay and will be for the rest of its "lifetime". And i thought it would be good too for me personally, to do away with posting depressing entries.

Yet, its hardly possible. Guess I'm back to square one.

Long rants, depressing thoughts, all these has to be release somewhere somehow as loneliness creeps in. Looking through my blog archives sometimes freak myself out.

Still remember a friend said to me, he feels good to be around me because of my nature of a strong sense of confidence which makes him feel confident bout things and perhaps himself too.

Yet, each time when I am alone, I don't think I am really that confident in things after all. I tend to worry about almost everything that comes to mind, and indulge myself in my own world of sad, emo, depressing thoughts. It's just me.

I tend to be able to relate with emo writings, blog post, songs than those which carry a light and happy tune. I tried to get rid of that part of me, but obviously i failed. Which i then conveniently resorted to accepting that as part of who i am.

Ah.. how foolish.

Was watching toradora, a jap anime on youtube. Currently waiting for its last episode, ep25 to be released by this weekend. And I wonder why animes always have cool lines to go along with. The way the story line builds up is interesting, but what gives the kick i would say, would be the very meaningful lines of conversations, or inner thoughts the main character would carry at the end of each episodes or occasions.

What amazed me is that, even after translation, from the ori japanese to english subtitles, the lines still sound meaningful and heart felt. Cause usually translations ruin every single piece in any movies for that matter. But not for jap animes.

Ah.. How I love nice animes.

Sigh.. guess i should go back to sleep now, its 3.19am, n god knows what i'm rambling here.

I Release You...

This blog is no longer in use since it has been nothing more than a blackhole which I conveniently dumped in all my thoughts and rants and feelings and pain and stress and so on and so forth.

I hereby officially release you from all sufferings and pain inflicted since the creation of this blog.

However if you are one of those who enjoy getting tortured by my writings..

And you really have nothing else to do and wish to waste some time with me..

Do look for me @ bennysia.com.

Disclaimer:
By clicking on the above link, you hereby acknowledge that you have fully understood all the T&C applied and you are to be held responsible for whichever emotional and/or physical and/or mental damage/pain/disturbance caused by reading the contents in bennysia.com.

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Dear Lecturer,

The only thing i can say about God is this.

I pray to God for strength, He gave me trials.

I pray to God for obedience, He sent me temptations.

I pray to God for patience, He send me Fakhisan aka you the lecturer.

Amen.

Regards,

Benny.    

A Post Sis Wrote About Us

Woke up feeling afraid and confuse. I just had the most disturbing dream... which I now vaguely remember... But the feeling of pain is so overwhelming it swallows me in and grab onto me even I after I am awake. I tried to go back to sleep, trying to clutch on to some of the broken pictures, find my way back into the shattered pieces...
Lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I tried to recall what I've dreamt of.

Nothing... Just the feeling of loss and pain.

And I miss Ben. A brother whom I love dearly and always will. It's been so long since we've actually spoken. Still remember how we used to spend our days together. Doing silly stuff together. Or simply lying on the bed, sharing about almost anything in life, laughing and crying, supporting and encouraging each other.
Those were the days... which I've grown to miss more and more these days. Especially when he's back but I don't get to spend time with him.

I can already feel that we are drifting further apart. I no longer know him like I have used to... or have I? I'm not sure anymore. I guess he knows me better. He has grown smarter and brighter. Independent and strong. I admire him. I look up to him. I seek guidance in him. Sometimes even strength to move on and strive harder in life.

Sometimes, it frustrates me, when he see through my weaknesses. It breaks my heart when I can no longer help him in his problems. I can no longer be his big sister to protect him like I used to. Instead, I add onto his problems. Sometimes I even "torment" him in some ways. I know I did, and I know why. But I love him, no lesser than before, only more...

Sometimes I wish to turn back time, when I am his big sister and he's my little brother. The little brother I play masak-masak with. The little brother who beg to hold my barbie dolls. The little brother who scream out my name when he see me running ahead. The little brother who hold onto my hand and look up to me when he got himself surrounded by mean kids or bossy adults. The little brother whos hands are small and would lie onto my lap when he's sleepy. The little brother who wants to sleep over after having a bad dream...

Am I being selfish??

I know that someday soon, we will grow and lead our life. We will have our own agendas and plans in life. We might even part. But in my heart, he'll always be my little brother. The little brother that I'll always love, care and stand by.

 

Love lots too sis. Take care. Miss you too. And that silly dance by Ah Rou.. Makes me smile when I think of that. Wanna hug hug punch punch him. <3 to all at home.

Conventional Systems

Life, with so many things pending isn't as easy as it seems. Wanting to strive harder for things to get better, yet at the same time wanting to take a break from all the busy routines. Who designed this routine for us anyway?

I wish for better days ahead. I wish for the blue sky ahead. On a grassy hill i sat, looking up at the birds soaring free. That's when i noticed how humans are trapped in little cages they build for themselves. Always wanting to climb higher, run further, without noticing the cage they put themselves into. It's like a bad dream, no matter how fast you run, how hard you hide, you're always inside that bad dream, with the bad guys always just a step behind you.

I wish to leap, leaping out of the invincible barriers, overcoming impossibilities, surpassing that little faith our timid selves carry.

But what can i do when we're stuck in this system called education. What can we do when it's not for us to decide. The conventional way is always the better one just like how wolves run in packs, humans too assimilates into the very system they design which limits their own potentials.

Who's bold enough to stand up for himself turning against the entire human race? Who's strong enough to carry the lonesome pain going against their love ones, people they care, people who have high hopes on them? Who's tough enough to put through all this emotions running into the darkness without a torch?

When will this cynical system stop its cycle?

Better days, that's all i ask for. And i sincerely wish for you to be in this with me. Would you?