With world cup going on, my days are longer i think. only close my eyes at 5am earliest. n will try to wake up b4 11, normally i'll sleep till glory n wake up only for lunch, but sleeping more means less time being awake at home. With each hour of sleep also means each hour closer to Uni. So, i start sleeping less n less.
Remember i hate sleeping when i was young, or rather when i was small. i often wonder like most of us used to, how nice if human can live without sleeping. N my parents will have to force me to bed. N i'll continue talking n talking to myself till i fall asleep. Yeah... i noe i'm a weirdo. tht's how i was, n what made me who i am now. starts to get so philosophical pulak..
anyway, tht's not the point. today's topic is far far away.
No, it's not the typical opening for every fairytales where it'll go like this " At a land far far away... n blablabla" tht i meant. it's all bout... me...*emotional* hehe..
i wonder, am i really that secretive? all the while, i tot i'm a very out spoken person, fun n straight forward. but i've been receiving comments on how intransparent i am. comments like "y u always seems so protective?", "can u be a lil' bit more transparent?", or "i hope u'd be more frank with me, but u didn't." N i'll go like, "huh? i tot i've told u almost everything" or "u nvr ask!!" when i'm pissed. n i seriously think that way. is there any problem with me?? or them??
Yesterday, someone told me this "sometimes i feel that u r so far away..".
*SHOCKED*
*STUNNED*
*JAWS DROPPED*
*EYES WIDE WIDE STARED AT CEILING*
*EMOTIONLESS*
It's the same comment again!!! *breathe in, breathe out*
N the ironic part of this is all of this ppl who told me this r considered as those closest to me. If these ppl still feel that i'm far away, then wut bout those who are just "normal" frens??
So i started wondering if the problem really lies with me now. N this can make me crazy, cuz i always tot tht i'm the outspoken type. never secretive. never. sigh~
Or.. perhaps.. Maybe.. i really am?? N tht's y i often find tht there's a barrier btwn me n my frens, n it's often hard for me to get rid of it. Other than my own gang of frens, others often treat me with so much courtesy n manners n respect where it makes me feel as if i'm not belong to the group bcuz i treat them tht way 2. as if i'm just some visitor from some planet. Is it sth positive or negative actually? n mayb tht's y i dun get along with ppl fast enough tht when i'm ready, they'd already formed a group n i'm left out. N the most prominent evidence is the existence of this blog itself, i didn't let anyone noe bout it's existence at 1st, not until some of my UTP frens found it. N till today, only 2 of my KL frens noe bout this blog. sigh. The more i think of it, the clearer it becomes. i really AM secretive!!! Undeniable. Holy shit, it took me 18 years to figure this out!!
Pathetic me. So y is it that i still have this secretive nature in me when i try so hard not to after someone said tht i am intransparent? is it because of my bringing up? Is it because of our culture or traditions as chinese where we often possess a kiasu spirit n thus afraid to let ppl noe bout u, bout wut u think deep inside? Or maybe it's the other way round, maybe all the while, i'm trying too hard to be big, to be strong, to be flawless, to hide my timid self. N there's where my defensive n secretive nature comes into play?
Im confused. N i dun even noe if this is a gud or bad phenomenon...
Alrite, gotta catch some sleep now.. n perhaps i'll dream away to a far far land... Hidden...
Oops.. did i say hidden?? Argh!! i really am secretive.. sweat..
Me??!!
Nites..
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