Dear Lecturer,
The only thing i can say about God is this.
I pray to God for strength, He gave me trials.
I pray to God for obedience, He sent me temptations.
I pray to God for patience, He send me Fakhisan aka you the lecturer.
Amen.
Regards,
Benny.
Woke up feeling afraid and confuse. I just had the most disturbing dream... which I now vaguely remember... But the feeling of pain is so overwhelming it swallows me in and grab onto me even I after I am awake. I tried to go back to sleep, trying to clutch on to some of the broken pictures, find my way back into the shattered pieces...
Lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I tried to recall what I've dreamt of.
Nothing... Just the feeling of loss and pain.
And I miss Ben. A brother whom I love dearly and always will. It's been so long since we've actually spoken. Still remember how we used to spend our days together. Doing silly stuff together. Or simply lying on the bed, sharing about almost anything in life, laughing and crying, supporting and encouraging each other.
Those were the days... which I've grown to miss more and more these days. Especially when he's back but I don't get to spend time with him.
I can already feel that we are drifting further apart. I no longer know him like I have used to... or have I? I'm not sure anymore. I guess he knows me better. He has grown smarter and brighter. Independent and strong. I admire him. I look up to him. I seek guidance in him. Sometimes even strength to move on and strive harder in life.
Sometimes, it frustrates me, when he see through my weaknesses. It breaks my heart when I can no longer help him in his problems. I can no longer be his big sister to protect him like I used to. Instead, I add onto his problems. Sometimes I even "torment" him in some ways. I know I did, and I know why. But I love him, no lesser than before, only more...
Sometimes I wish to turn back time, when I am his big sister and he's my little brother. The little brother I play masak-masak with. The little brother who beg to hold my barbie dolls. The little brother who scream out my name when he see me running ahead. The little brother who hold onto my hand and look up to me when he got himself surrounded by mean kids or bossy adults. The little brother whos hands are small and would lie onto my lap when he's sleepy. The little brother who wants to sleep over after having a bad dream...
Am I being selfish??
I know that someday soon, we will grow and lead our life. We will have our own agendas and plans in life. We might even part. But in my heart, he'll always be my little brother. The little brother that I'll always love, care and stand by.
Love lots too sis. Take care. Miss you too. And that silly dance by Ah Rou.. Makes me smile when I think of that. Wanna hug hug punch punch him. <3 to all at home.
Life, with so many things pending isn't as easy as it seems. Wanting to strive harder for things to get better, yet at the same time wanting to take a break from all the busy routines. Who designed this routine for us anyway?
I wish for better days ahead. I wish for the blue sky ahead. On a grassy hill i sat, looking up at the birds soaring free. That's when i noticed how humans are trapped in little cages they build for themselves. Always wanting to climb higher, run further, without noticing the cage they put themselves into. It's like a bad dream, no matter how fast you run, how hard you hide, you're always inside that bad dream, with the bad guys always just a step behind you.
I wish to leap, leaping out of the invincible barriers, overcoming impossibilities, surpassing that little faith our timid selves carry.
But what can i do when we're stuck in this system called education. What can we do when it's not for us to decide. The conventional way is always the better one just like how wolves run in packs, humans too assimilates into the very system they design which limits their own potentials.
Who's bold enough to stand up for himself turning against the entire human race? Who's strong enough to carry the lonesome pain going against their love ones, people they care, people who have high hopes on them? Who's tough enough to put through all this emotions running into the darkness without a torch?
When will this cynical system stop its cycle?
Better days, that's all i ask for. And i sincerely wish for you to be in this with me. Would you?
Disclaimer : Vulgarities included.This post is for Michelle only. If you think you are not Michelle, please do yourself good and skip it.
Dear Michelle,
Why is it that every time when i read your blog i surely laugh like hell? It's bloody funny you know, reading stuffs you write about yourself which isn't exactly true.
It's like watching a person syok sendiri which looks so dumb to me. Damn. I shouldn't. My bad. But i just can't stand it, can i?
Now is it just me, or others feel the same too? Sometimes i wonder. Am i the only one that is being bias and have prejudice over your particular blog? I don't know but if you would just give me a minute, this is what i think. Sincerely. From the bottom of my heart.
Stop bragging about something you don't own. Stop acting as if people care when nobody gives a damn at all. Stop writing stuff that makes me laugh till my jaw drops. I am really begging you to stop.
And it is so clear your intentions to brag about the life you doesn't have but dream of every day and night. The way you play with words acting like you are on the top of the world when the fact remains that you are not even near it. The truth is, if you are not there, you are just not there. And it's obvious to people around you, so stop acting so I'm-smart-pretty-popular-rich-and-you-can-eat-my-shit!
Especially the items which you love to show cast on your blog with a picture caption that reads "WOW! IT"S EXPENSIVE! IT"S ONE OF A KIND!!" Or the food picture which you'll go "WAH SO DELICIOUS AND THEY LOOK SO PRETTY!!!" Without forgetting to add on in the next line the price of the items which is reeeeaaaalllly expensive.
Honestly, I think you kena con or what lor. Cuz they don't at all look like they even cost half the price you bought it. THEY LOOK LIKE SHIT!
I'm going nuts... Never mind, lets continue and finish this.
Another thing, just so you know, if you updated your blog, people who are interested will visit and read them. YOU DON"T HAVE TO BLOODY ANNOUNCE IT TO EVERYONE ASKING THEM TO READ AND COMMENT ON IT!! And worse still, after people read it, you ask people to re-read. Why? Cause got new comments by other people there. =.= You see, OTHER THAN YOU, NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT OK??
Oh and, this is very very important. Please don't write something like this anymore. "Today, X ask me if i'm sick, then X say will bring me medicine. I insisted don't want, but he forced me. So no choice i accepted lor." Or this. "Yesterday, Z did something very sweet. I wanted to write it here, but in the end, i still think it's better to keep it to myself. Hmm.. He's so sweet!!!"
If you really don't want people to know about something, then erase that prologue which you act as if "ter" type ok? It's not like talking which you might tersaid sth, but if you tertype, there's an invention called "backspace" on your bloody keyboard ok?
Stop acting so mysterious and secretive. Cuz from all i noe, it might be you who complain to X so many gazillion times about you being sick so he gave you med to shut you up. Z might just gave you a polite smile when you walk pass and you as usual syok sendiri and think too much. And yes, this is exactly how you'll act if you haven't notice yet.
I do agree that everyone deserves a chance. A chance to be confident about themselves. A chance to feel good about themselves. But please don't overdo it. When nobody says a thing, it doesn't mean that you can continue misusing that chance, cause it's simply nauseating and soon turning disgusting.
So stop please. With utmost respect and sincere intention i'm pleading you to stop. Stop trying so badly to become somebody you are not. Be yourself.
Regards,
Ben.
Ps: Oh btw, thanks for the laughter you provide me with your hooha bloggie. But my stomach really can't take it anymore, it cramps and it hurts. Damn.. I'm still laughing..
Pss: I apologize to all readers for the sarcastic tone of mine which i am not at all proud of. Bear with me just for this post pls.
Sometimes i get so used to you it becomes a habit. It's something i never want to admit but i know it's true. It's just so convenient to turn to you when i'm down. So convenient to just pick up my phone to give you a call knowing that i'll definitely feel better after.
Everything we say, every thought we share it just comes so naturally. When the fact is it's not at all natural. Why would i wake you up for work when i barely slept half an hour ago? And then i'll continue my sleep knowing that you'll wake me up for class later on? It's abnormal.
Why there's so much to say to you when i hardly can think of a proper conversation with any other person for that matter? I run out of topic pretty fast, everyone knows that, i'm not good in making little conversations. Yet, we can hang on the phone for hours like this. It's abnormal.
The best part is, even when i run out of topic, i can just continue doing my work while hanging on the phone with you. Listen to you breathe, listen to you sleep. Listen to you rant about your work, gossip about your colleagues, your boss, listen to your voice mumbling something incomprehensible as you doze off slowly into your dreams. It's abnormal.
Never like to talk about my mundane stuff to anyone. Would just skip it even if people were to ask. Too lazy to elaborate petty stuffs like my life. Yet, i never get tired telling you things knowing that you'll never get tired listening to me, never get tired listening to you knowing that you'll never get tired talking to me. Never once. It's not exactly normal. It's abnormal.
Remember once when we were in the mall, you almost subconsciously held my hand, which you noticed right after and turned to grabbing my arm instead. I noticed it too. It's freaking abnormal to do something abnormal like this so naturally. It's abnormal.
Yet everything seems so natural. That's the part that i don't quite get. Do you get me?
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