A Post Sis Wrote About Us

Woke up feeling afraid and confuse. I just had the most disturbing dream... which I now vaguely remember... But the feeling of pain is so overwhelming it swallows me in and grab onto me even I after I am awake. I tried to go back to sleep, trying to clutch on to some of the broken pictures, find my way back into the shattered pieces...
Lying on my bed with my eyes closed, I tried to recall what I've dreamt of.

Nothing... Just the feeling of loss and pain.

And I miss Ben. A brother whom I love dearly and always will. It's been so long since we've actually spoken. Still remember how we used to spend our days together. Doing silly stuff together. Or simply lying on the bed, sharing about almost anything in life, laughing and crying, supporting and encouraging each other.
Those were the days... which I've grown to miss more and more these days. Especially when he's back but I don't get to spend time with him.

I can already feel that we are drifting further apart. I no longer know him like I have used to... or have I? I'm not sure anymore. I guess he knows me better. He has grown smarter and brighter. Independent and strong. I admire him. I look up to him. I seek guidance in him. Sometimes even strength to move on and strive harder in life.

Sometimes, it frustrates me, when he see through my weaknesses. It breaks my heart when I can no longer help him in his problems. I can no longer be his big sister to protect him like I used to. Instead, I add onto his problems. Sometimes I even "torment" him in some ways. I know I did, and I know why. But I love him, no lesser than before, only more...

Sometimes I wish to turn back time, when I am his big sister and he's my little brother. The little brother I play masak-masak with. The little brother who beg to hold my barbie dolls. The little brother who scream out my name when he see me running ahead. The little brother who hold onto my hand and look up to me when he got himself surrounded by mean kids or bossy adults. The little brother whos hands are small and would lie onto my lap when he's sleepy. The little brother who wants to sleep over after having a bad dream...

Am I being selfish??

I know that someday soon, we will grow and lead our life. We will have our own agendas and plans in life. We might even part. But in my heart, he'll always be my little brother. The little brother that I'll always love, care and stand by.

 

Love lots too sis. Take care. Miss you too. And that silly dance by Ah Rou.. Makes me smile when I think of that. Wanna hug hug punch punch him. <3 to all at home.