My cry..

Tonight's one of those nights. Nights when i got so tired and sick of everything that i'm doing. n everything that i'm not doing. Night's when i'll sit in front of my desk with books and papers nicely spread in front of me. Yet my eyes would be glued to the 15" screen ahead looking for something to read. I'll have The blues repeating itself on my media player. N every now and then, i'll rest on the desk with my arms cushioning my forehead.

I feel like quitting. even after 2 years being here, i'm still the same person who feel like running home right when i stepped into this place 2 years back. Not like i miss home or miss mama like some idiotic spoilt brat. But i just dislike this phase of my life now. Stuck in UTP and all. I miss life in KL. Miss the malls we have at home. Miss the people i meet in malls with just a simple-T, short pants and slippers but yet still look elegant. Miss the colorful street lamps that i used to stare at when dad drives us down to KL at night. Miss how the headlight of opposing cars shinie on you when you're driving along LDP. Miss the ngaulam mee stall beside balai polis. And hotdog stand in front of 7eleven. Miss the Nasilemak from pasar that i've been having since form 1? Miss the sundays that we'll have our breakfast in Anuja and attend church. Miss playing in church for worship. Miss shopping with sis, though she'll get so fedup with me cuz i don't choose my own clothes. Miss accompanying mom for mahjong. Miss chatting with dad on my parents bed while mom sleeps between us. Miss hanging around with my friends in mamaks. Miss playing football with rover. Miss basketball sessions with les and ken.

Though one of my friend used to say that i'm a spoilt brat. i never agree with her. All i can say is that i do have a very loving family. Parents who love me so much that at times my eyes will get teary thinking about it. Also, a sister who loves me a lot, many times more than herself i would say. I'm very fortunate to have a family like that. But still, i never thought of myself as a spoilt brat. Cuz dad used to discipline me a lot when i was young. When i was 7 or 8 i couldn't quite remember, he used to whip me with his belt. Once, i was whipped so badly by my dad(i think i did something really bad), sis even kneeled in front of him, begging him not to continue. N that day was during chinese new year. We need to go visiting that evening, and my leg looked so bad, my parents bought me a long pants to cover them since i don't have one that time. I used to be a slow eater, and often i won't be able to finish my food. Once, dad got so fedup, he kinda starved me for the whole day. N always, almost every meal, i'll be getting scoldings and/or slaps from him when he's really frustrated. Also, I used to be afraid of him a lot. He really scares the freak out of me when i was younger. I even hate him last time. Cuz i felt that he's always pampering sis but nvr me. Few times, i got so depressed, i even thought of suiciding. Of cuz i didn't attempt one. It just merely crossed my mind. Was being silly last time. Thought that it'll make them regret for not treating me better. Silly me.

I only get my 1st phone when i finish SPM(n its the one i'm using now still) though i literally begged him for one since form3. And since i'm a person who used to sleep very little and hate sleep a lot, I used to be forced to sleep at 1030 every night since young. Till i'm in secondary if not mistaken. And weird but true, dad doesn't like me having afternoon naps. N i used to sleep in the afternoon after school. So, everytime when he comes back from work around 4 plus, i'll have to wake up even if i just hit my head on the pillow seconds before and having a headache lacking sleep the night before. N i iron my own clothes since secondary school. I wash my own shoes since primary. Hmm.. not trying to impress. But still, not many of my guy friends do that at that time. Even now, i'm amazed how some of my friends don't even know how to iron.

Well, i guess all that i've been through since young, makes me who i am now. N i'm glad to be who i am now. Just that it would be better if i can take that solemn side of me away. N of cuz, it would be best if i wouldn't have to be doing what i'm doing now-studying in UTP. I always thought that i'll go into form6 1st. Or if not, college. Never thought i'll be in a uni doing my degree so soon right after my spm. N i was only 17 at that time. I always thought that in this period of my life from 17-23, i'll be doing a lot of things i wanted to do when i was small, enjoying myself and chasing after my dreams. Well, maybe because i'm a pts student, skipped from std3-5, den from std6-form1, n now, from doing form6, to becoming a uni student. I used to be proud of myself last time. But now, sometimes i wish i haven't skipped at all. Feels like i've been rushing all my life and dedicated my whole childhood to adolescence period in studying. If i were to go slower, think i'll have more childhood episodes to tell now. More video games covered. More kiddish stuff played. Maybe? Maybe not. And maybe that's why now i always refuse to study and study and study like how few of my coursemates do. That's also one reason why i started gaming even when i never like it in the first place.

There are so many things i wish to do, wish to learn, wish to have now. But yet there are so many unfulfilling wishes due to circumstances. Due to me stucking in UTP. Due to the need of securing myself a better jobscope in future. But all these just doesn't make sense to me right now. Why am i giving up on so many things now for the unseen future so far ahead. What if i die tomorrow? What if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What ifs...

Maybe maths and logics aren't supposed to provide an answer to this. Only God knows. Only God knows.