Ain't no porn

Did a bloody dumb decision to click on a link I should never touch. I regretted.

I have a very controversial and confusing self. Due to my overwhelming ego, I conveniently bookmark a page I shouldn't some long time ago. So that every once a while when I am left alone late night unable to sleep, I can click into it looking for another epic of self assurance, browse the page, and then leave with a broad smile on my face glad that I'm able to tell myself that I don't feel a thing. Simply emotionless.

I'm satisfied with my own ability to withstand every emotion that's trying to tear me apart inside just to feed my ego. A brilliant way to hide my timid self I would say. I succeed each time. Convinced. But come to think of it now, it's mere stupidity honestly, it simply shows how small and timid I really am isn't it.

It's like when I was young, I was really afraid of height. But not wanting to submit to that fear, I would then go on hanging bridges, tall buildings, and even sat on Solero, just to prove myself able. Now, I simply enjoy that excitement height provides. That was the fear I overcame due to stupidity and ego. Ego makes you stronger sometimes. And I suck on my own ego lots.

Anyway, back to tonight, I click on it again. I am shaken. I simply don't understand why am I shaken this time. Why now? I knew it all along way before. It's not like I'm unprepared. And I've been through it so many times before and came out fine. So why now?

It's just another glorious episode of mine where I soar slightly higher than I was before I used to think. But deep down, I am uncertain.

It's always easy to convince yourself that you don't need things you can't get. It's even easier to give up on dreams that have been crushed. When you start telling yourself that you don't care, it's like building a shelter of protection which provides your timid self a place to hide. It's just a matter of time when you have to come out from that cover and face reality.

I thought I'd given up. Did I? Maybe I am still able to feel like before. Maybe I still have that little faith in me, deep inside. Maybe I still want that dream. That dream I dreamt of each time I close my eyes. It’s crushed now. By the many hands of others and perhaps my own.

But am I going to reconstruct that dream I have once given up. I rephrase. A dream I thought I’ve given up. I still don't have an answer to that yet.

The truth is, giving up is simply much convenient still. Pleasurable too.

Maybe, just maybe.

Sleepless nights. It's a kind of addiction I can never quit.

Good morning world..